by Kelly Beischel PhD, RN, CAPP, APPC

(Updated 08-13-20)

I confess. For much of my earlier life, I was a people pleaser out of fear of disappointing others. (Unless of course, you count my teenage years when challenging my parents was my full-time job.)

Have you ever fallen trap to people-pleasing to the point your time was not your own?

Like me, have you ever said “yes” because you thought you ‘should’, because you wanted to please the person requesting your time, or because you felt trapped like you couldn’t say “no”?

For most of us, the answer is probably “yes”. More times than we’d like to admit, right?
 

Unfortunately, there are grave consequences to being a people pleaser, of being a person who can’t say “No”.

Here’re a few examples of those consequences.

  • Your energy supply can’t keep up with the demand, leaving you perpetually fatigued and overwhelmed.
  • People ask what you like to do in your free time. You scoff and ask, “Free time? What’s that?”
  • The Pareto Principle is turned on its head. And now 20% of what you care about consumes 80% of your time.
  • You’re resentful toward the person who requested your time or the project itself.
  • You track your colleagues’ workload, sure that you are working harder.
  • You wake up one day and realize that you’re working on everyone’s priorities but your own. Depressing, right?
  • You aren’t granted tenure because you’re heavy on service and light on scholarship. Ouch!

Do these situations sound familiar?

Are you frustrated by the whirlwind in which you’re spinning? If you said “yes”, you are not alone.

You are overdue for a “Gain More Time” makeover, a makeover where your priorities become your priority.

 

Try one or more of the six strategies in the ‘art of taking back your time’ as outlined below and you’ll gain the fruit of freedom in no time.

Strategies to Gain More Time:

“Just Say No”

And then release the drama of it. No need to go on and on about why you are saying no.

Let’s practice here:

  • “No, thank you. I have another commitment.”
  • “That sounds like a great opportunity, but I’m passing on it at this time.”
  • “No, thank you. My plate is full.”
  • “No, not at this time. Thank you for thinking of me.”
  • “No thank you. That is not something I am interested in.”

Saying “No” will be foreign, even awkward at first. But once you taste the sweet fruit of freedom that comes with saying “No”, you’ll fall madly in love with this beautiful two-letter word.

take back your time

 

Calendarize EVERYTHING

You may think your calendar is complete. But did you include eating, bathing, sleeping, exercising, and driving?
Or how about writing tests, grading work, grocery shopping?

Once your calendar includes activities of daily living as well as appointments and classes, you will see how little time you have available. Seeing your calendar’s white space vanish, makes it easier to say, “No”.

 

Phone a friend

This technique has saved me from sabotaging myself countless times. You see, I have an agreement with my friend and processing partner, Stacy.

My agreement goes something like this: “I, Kelly Beischel, will not say “Yes” until first consulting Stacy.”

You see, Stacy knows me. She knows my passions and my goals. And she knows I want to honor my goals.

But unfortunately, I am good at sabotaging my progress toward meeting those goals. Did I hear “squirrel”?

When I tell Stacy that I’d like to accept a proposed new project or join a committee or teach a workshop – in other words, when I want to chase after a shiny new object- she asks me hard questions like:

  • “How does this fit in with your goals?”
  • “How and when do you plan to work on the new project?”
  • “What will you be giving up if you accept this new project?”

The “phone a friend” technique provides me the clarity I need to make better decisions.   I’m unsure whether this clarity arises from talking with Stacy or whether the act of stepping back gives me space to think versus react.

Either way, making my agreement with Stacy works.

Quit dragging out your “No”.

How many times have you known your answer was going to be “no” but you dragged out saying it?

The depletion of time and energy as you agonize over and avoid saying, “No” could be better spent on creating cool content for class, practicing test questions, or spending guilt-free family time.

Rather than agonizing over the decision or worse yet, saying “yes” out of fear that the person requesting your time will be disappointed, repeat this phrase three times: “Choose discomfort now over resentment later.”

And then say “no”, to the person asking. Brené Brown taught me this technique in her Courage Works course. I cannot tell you the relief I’ve found using this simple strategy.

Trade out tasks

I know what it’s like. Your director asks you to be on a third committee or be a course coordinator (without compensation), take on an extra project, to ________ (you fill in the blank).

Pull out your calendar (yes, the calendar that’s complete with your plans to sleep, eat, grade, plan, attend meetings …) and ask your director what he/she would like to trade out to make room for this new task.

Prevent decision fatigue.

Research indicates that we fall trap to decision fatigue as the day proceeds. Falling trap to decision fatigue is especially true on days where we’re required to make multiple decisions. (Every day, right?)

The problem with decision fatigue is that the likelihood that we will make a bad decision (saying yes when we need to say no) increases when plagued with decision fatigue.

So, rather than making decisions on the fly when the web of decision fatigue might catch you, try this:

Pre-decide the number of commitments to which you are willing to say yes such as the number of committees on which you’ll serve, the number of school parties you’ll serve as room mom, the number of holiday gatherings you will host. You see, if you pre-determine your number of “yeses” when to say “no” is no longer a decision you must make. When you reach your number, simply tap out.

What is your number? Do you have one?

Taking the time to determine the number of commitments that work for you and your family will be the most valuable time you’ll spend.

 

Get started today. Choose a “take back your time” strategy and saying “No” will soon become easier.

 

Let me know in the comments below which strategy you will use to take back your time.